First it was Aphex. As I understand it, he was a co-founder of the clan and it was his retirement that urged the 5 remaining members to start recruiting one, or possibly two new members. Instead they got three - myself, Genocide and Lash. Then later we took pitty on a young quaker called Styles and let him into the fold.
Soon after, Dog announced his retirement. Is there a reason for this, or is it pure coincindence that we joined just before he left? And recently we suffered the loss of Ernie, one of our best defensive players (apparently). Alarmed at this small but steady decline in some of our best players, I decided to talk to a Professor M.Wheely, an expert on clan politics.
"Can you offer a possible explanation for the sudden "retirement" of some of our finest players?"
"Yes, the sudden influx of ungrateful little punks into the EvEm fold have resulted in lower enjoyment levels for the truely gifted players," he responded.
"Ungrateful little punks?"
"Yes, generally those of little to no skill level who claim to be able to play, and yet are consistantly turned into dog food by the Jaguar players, and thus forcing the three remaining truely gifted players - Xtro, Rebem and Harmer - to do the bulk of the work."
"And you believe that this is the reason our best players are leaving?"
"Absolutely."
"But I'm not thinking of leaving," I said. He simply burst into a fit of laughter and walked away with his head in his hands.
Not very impressed and doubting the credibility of Professor Wheely, I was able to discover through consulting old emails and illegaly recorded conversations, I found that the phrase "brownie points" was mentioned quite a lot, usually in the same sentence as the word "Ernie". After much detective work on my part, it appears that brownie points are something to do with a woman, in that it costs a man a certain amount of these "brownie points" to do something which he enjoys. But to spend them he must earn them, and to do that he must be twisted around the womans finger and be generally unhappy. This is what I credit to the loss of Ernie - he somehow moved into negative brownie points, and must spend the rest of his life in hell (ie. marriage). Because he lost all his brownie points he can no longer play quake, which is why he was forced to retire. (Well, it's either that or the fact he's going to move interstate.)
Still looking for plausible excu... er facts, I found a Mrs Kaylet, doing research on how the nervous system is affected by people who rocket jump excessivly. She has a minor in CTF so I gave her some pre-recorded demos of our games to analyse.
"Ah, now these three players - I beleive they are Xtro, Rebem and Harmless?"
"Harmer," I corrected her.
"Oh yes, Harmer. Yes the strategy, tactics and kill to suicide ratio indicates that these are players who actually know what they are doing."
"And what about the other players?"
"Hmmmmm. Lash and Styles' profiles indicate they are young and simply need a good season to toughen up, very promising..... Genocide could be good but shows a distinct lack of practice."
"What about Omen?"
"Christ, now there's a lost cause."
She forwarded the demo.
"Look at this. He runs into Elbow's quad chaingun EVERY time. You'd think he'd learn or something. Say, which one are you anyway?"
"Uhh.... Harmer."
